-ChiangMai Day 4-
Sunday Service in Sanphranet Church. The service started about 30-40 minutes behind schedule. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the sanctuary full. When we had arrived in ChiangMai, Pastor Prasarn had mentioned something about the church having bought new chairs. And almost every one of the blue plastic chairs was occupied... Again was asked to play drums at the last minute. I didn't know any of the songs but managed to keep time. (I think... :P)

The youth of the church put up a skit about mothers and how we should treasure them and obey them. A bit sad when the mother in the play died in the end. Kinda like a surprise ending... Haha! The youth also sang a song and then did a dance as well... Had a wonderful mother's day lunch after the service.

We conducted the worship workshop in the afternoon. Lynette did a teaching about worshipping in Spirit and in Truth. I loved the 'practical' session when we all worshipped together. Lynette on keyboards, Stef on guitar, Xiong on bass, myself on drums and Pat & Jem singing with Pastor and the youth. It reminded me again about the day where every tongue & tribe will praise God together in one voice. It was beautiful. They know how to worship... They just have to do it and not wait to 'stumble' across the Spirit now and then.

The thing that really hit wme was when all of us started praying together in unison after the workshop. The Holy Spirit just descended and filled the room so quickly that it literally took my breath away. I admire how easy it is for God to work over there. Maybe because of the mentality? Because there are less distractions? The attitude?

Had a time of relaxation after that when we headed down to have a Thai buffet... Ate insanely large amounts of food and enjoyed every mouthful. Was the last one to finish eating yet again. But I think I ate the most this night. After that the team made its way to Walk Street for shopping. Us guys weren't very interested in shopping there cos Jeremy & I had been there before. Boring and expensive.
Pastor Prasarn had enticed us with the Charity Shield match between Manchester United and Arsenal. After walking around for quite awhile looking for places to watch the match, we finally decided to drive to his friend's house to watch the match there. Sad to see them lose 3-1 but we made new friends. :)

-ChiangMai Day 3-
Miracle Kids in the morning. Had to play drums cos the drummer kid wasn't around. Saw that the kids really enjoyed themselves with the games, praise songs and activities. They also had to make mother's day cards in the afternoon. In Thailand, they celebrate mother's day on 8 August 12 August... Went shopping after Miracle Kids to buy groceries & ingredients for the mother's day lunch on Sunday. Kept getting ribbed about not helping Sidar carry the groceries. But I guess I was just asking for it when I kept mentioning how pretty she was to the team. Haha...

Girls in ChiangMai are generally better looking that Singaporean ones. I don't know whether its the way the Thais let their natural beauty show or because of the way they behave. In Singapore, everyone (in general) has a mindset of what beauty is. Its either make-up or showing skin... They try so hard to stand out that in the end, they all look the same.

But back to Sunday evening. We met up with Gloria & Pi Bae to go for the night bazaar. We had to leave Lynette at MacDonald's because she wasn't feeling well. Prayed for her and left for shopping. Was supposed to go back to get her after 30 mins but I got carried away while shopping that I realised only after 45 minutes... Took 5-10 minutes to run back to MacDonald's. Found her cheery & well, eating Fish O'Fillet and drinking hot tea. Bought 2 T-shirts that night. There was nothing else that caught my eye though... :(

There was one incident which surprised me while we were shopping. Lynette, Jeremy and myself were shopping and wanted to buy pillow covers. We had initially asked to get 4 for 300 baht. But the shop-keeper didn't want to reduce the price. So we walked away. While walking away, Lynette told me she'd rather get the pillow cases from an earlier shop which used better quality material. But while we were walking away, the shop-keeper gradually reduced the price to 300 baht. We stopped for a second but continued walking. Then we heard the shop-keeper hear something like 50 baht. We thought she reduced the price that much so we returned to the shop. When we wanted to look at the variety of designs, the shop-keeper said fiercely, "Don't touch. You no touch. You no good! You no good nature!"
We were rather stunned for awhile but we quickly walked away after that. We didn't realised that she was being sarcastic about the price. Other then that one undesirable incident, the night was thoroughly enjoyable.

Had to prepare a song to for Mother's Day service the next day. So we didn't sleep till quite late. They had to figure out the lyrics to the chinese dumex song about mothers and then translate it to English so that Pastor could translate it to Thai for the congregation. I fell asleep halfway because I was very tired from walking the night bazaar and also because I couldn't help with the chinese. :\

-ChiangMai Day 2-
This morning was spent at Sanphranet School. We split up into 3 groups. Stefanie & Jeremy took the primary 6s, Pat & Xiong took the Primary 4s and Lynette & I took the primary 5s. Lynette did most of the talking while I helped write words on the blackboard. Visited a couple of homes in the afternoon with Pastor Prasarn and we prayed for the villagers. I really enjoyed spending time with the people.

Had our worship practice in the evening. Thank God for Stefanie who played the guitars. Made the band sound fuller. Got some compliments from a few of the Thai guys but I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm cut out to be a drummer at all.. Maybe I should just be 'someone who can play the drums' instead. Maybe put those dreams of playing in a Christian band on hold till I get much much better.

So anyway, this kid played the drums for the miracle kids worship practice. He's good. Consistent... Something I have to be conscious about when I'm playing came naturally to him. :\

Ok alright... This post is dated 6 August but I actually wrote all this on my third night here. Simply because we are out the entire time. Been helping out with some of the church stuff here but not much really. God has been good though... I feel that we're really bonding as a team. A few bumps here and there but nothing that a dose of Godly love won't fix.... Let me try to recall what happened the past few days.

-ChiangMai Day 1-

The plane trip on AirAsia was an experience. We weren't use to some of their procedures. For example, free seating on the flight meant that a queue would start at the gate before it was opened. Slept for the most of the trip from Singapore to Bangkok after making countless jokes about being in a budget airline. Spent 8 hours at Bangkok airport basically lazing around talking. From Burger King where we had our lunch (They have a Whopper Double with bacon and cheese!!), we moved to Dairy Queen at the other end of the international airport. Had ice cream before eating pizza for an early dinner.

Had an enjoyable run/walk to the domestic flight terminal. It felt like we were on 'The Amazing Race'. Complete with an (almost)unknown language, out of date floor plans, people giving wrong directions as well as a delayed flight. Thank God we were finally able to get on the plane to Chiang Mai. More 'budget' jokes before I fell asleep again for the 1 hour plus flight.

Settled into Henry and Tuk's house quite comfortably. A few clashes in opinions but it all settled quickly. I guess its good that this team is made up of members who know how to focus on God. Slept soundly because we were all tired out...

Why do I journal online?
There's always been debate on why people keep online journals. Issues like wanting attention, being an exhibitionist or just wanting to speak out at others without consequence. (Think freedom of speech...) I think there are people who journal for those reasons. But for me, I feel that what started as a means to vent my shattered emotions, has turned into a sort of vault where I come back to every once in a while to see where and what I've been.

Over the many months spent writing, I've learnt that the main reason for writing the way I do, is to be honest with myself. So that I do not remain stagnent as a person. I was talking with a couple of old friends about this issue and I told him that journal was more for myself than for others to read... He shot back the question, why not keep a real journal then? Write with a pen on paper... I didn't answer him immediately but there were two answers in my mind at that very moment.

One being the fact that I'll have too many notebooks with the amount that I write...
And the second? Have you seen my handwriting?

And so I'll be leaving for ChiangMai tomorrow morning. Haven't packed yet. Waiting for more of the clothes to dry. Have to bring along guitar cable, drumsticks, someone's medicine and children's storybooks. The books are going to be heavy!
Just have to finish up the prayer newsletter.

Going to get back Dale's semi-acoustic guitar from Liwei now.

I didn't know how much Joe's absence from the team affected me till today. Just felt frustrated during practice. I've been doing a good job of letting God handle it but the reality of it all hit me today. We're going there to conduct a worship workshop and we don't have a full band. And not being able to find a replacement also took its toll on me. Wasn't able to play or worship God during the practice...

But I'm thankful for Shaoxiong for turning the practice into a worship by itself... Reminded me that God is in control and its not the number of people or whether there is a full band. Its whether we're obedient, whether we're listening and how much we want to serve. It usually takes things like this, things that are out of my control to remind me... Although I wasn't into the worship at the time, I felt better knowing that the team is in the right 'mode' and it encouraged me as I thought about it later. I have to keep up.

The thing is... This is not my best yet. I'm disappointed because I know I can offer more. I know we all can. The Lord doesn't love us any less if we're no good, true enough... I'm just not satisfied with what I'm giving. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son... He gave His best. Its as if I'm not doing Him justice. The thing is we don't condemn ourselves if we can't achieve the best all the time cos He doesn't condemn us. But no way am I going to sit back and be satisfied with what I'm offering now...

::: Quote of the Day :::
The more we cry out...
the Lord is attuned to our voice
and he will answer our heart's cry

We have a very important part to play in this last day great revival
And its time for us to gear up
Its time for us to take our place
| Lynette Hagin |

Alright, alright... Its a sign that it may be possible after all... But still I'm waiting. Some pieces still don't fit and I can't make them fit any quicker.

And so this week has been tiringly good. Enjoyed myself at SonicFest on Saturday. Met some nice people. I was soaked in the rain for most of the morning and I was shivering because there was a fan in the tentage area. But it got better after a few hours. Spent most of the day putting on the admission tags on people's wrist (Left wrist please!), checking people's bags (Any food and drinks, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, explosives, weapons?) and handing out flyers.
The thing that surprises me is why people get so offended that we need to check their bags. It takes only a few seconds and I only look for the things mentioned above. I got dirty stares, dirty words and dirty actions. We do it so that you guys have a safe enjoyable experience at the festival. A few seconds for peace of mind is a worthwhile thing don't you think? =P

Had GG after service yesterday... Good teaching from Stanley. He spoke about how as leaders we must change ourselves so as to influence change. Because the people are usually limited by their leaders. On the other hand, we were told during the sunday sermon that we should not be selfish and keep looking inwards... Hmmm... who to follow? Who to listen to? I'm sorry, if I'm expected to feed His sheep, I need to have food and to know what it tastes like right? So if the hand doesn't feed, I'll definitely go somewhere else to look.

Going for practice in church now. Still praying that everything goes according to God's plan. We all need to get into the correct mindset, the correct 'groove' so to speak. I'm rushing this post... Gotta run!

SonicFest'04 was really an experience... Being part of the crew made me see a different aspect of the event as a whole. I see and hear about the prayer there went into the preparation of the event. And God reminded me again that it solely depends on how much we pray. How badly do we want people to be saved? Enough to spend an hour a day praying?

I've been praying for my church... I've been crying out to God for them and I believe its time to start praying the same way for the church in ChiangMai, Sanphranet. The results depend on our prayers! Its as simple as that!
Prayed for God to stir up the passion... I need a whiff of that passion that Jesus had when He died for me.

I stayed over last night at the Leaders' Hangout... Much of the time was spent aimlessly... Just waiting for different things to happen. In the end, we did some group study and sharing on leadership. More on the benefits of certain habits and the excuses that prevent us from fulfilling these habits.
Tried to sleep quite early but kept waking up at one hour intervals during the night. Woke myself up at 5:45 am to leave for home to collect my festival stuff... Praise God for the strength that He provided...

Tired now... I'm going to sleep. My feet are hurting from being wrinkled up. Because my shoes were wet from the rain in the morning. And so the underside of my feet began wrinkling up and it hurt when I walked just now... Praise God that my feet will recover very soon.

::: Poem of the Day :::
I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbeded pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat -- and a voice beat
More instant than the Feet --
"All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."

I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
Trellised with intertwining charities;
(For, though I knew His love Who followèd,
Yet was I sore adread
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.)
| Excerpt from The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson |

What a day... Did two loads of washing today. Cleaned the house like never before. Vaccumed the living room, dining room and corridor. Then after that wiped the floor... No, I didn't mop the floor... I wiped it... With a cloth. Yes. On my knees.

The mission trippers came over for briefing/meeting and we discussed what we were planning to do for the trip. Mainly shared about our desire to serve and follow God's guidance. I was really blessed by the time of prayer. Really felt encouraged by the Spirit as well as by the rest of the team.

Sad thing is that we heard from Joe that he couldn't get leave... Well, we're continuing to pray for a miracle to happen. He is the God who makes a way when there is no other way right?
No way I'm going to be discouraged by this... I'm going to pray. Because its clear what favour we've gotten from God and I must practice what I 'preach' when I say, we don't let circumstances or the situation bring us down. My God is in control...

::: Verse of the Day :::
For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.
If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work.
If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
| 1 Corinthians 3:11-15 |

After teaching discipleship group on Sunday, Justin asked some questions that made me think... He was talking about what he had learnt from others about each one interpreting the bible differently. I believe that although its true that there is no set syllabus, we are still accountable to what we tell others about. People tend to blur the lines between right and wrong. You won't go to hell if you don't believe in healing from God through Christ. But you don't know what you're missing out on.

My opinion is, as long as you are walking closely with God. Spending time with Him and listening to Him, you should be alright. Of course there is the matter of obeying what time bible says. Kenneth Hagin Jr. hit the nail on the head when he wrote in His bible "what the Word says, I will do."
We must also take into consideration what example we're setting to others. But again, if Christ shines through, we don't have to worry about that.

Of course... this is susceptible to more debate.

Good evening world... Had a great morning when I woke up today. Watched a live conference on Rhema.org. Prayed for our church after it all. Frustration will drive a man to pray. Too often prayer is a last resort when actually it should be the first thing we do. It kinda irritates me when, sometimes in some committees or teams, you feel that they pray just because it a Christian thing to do... Something to get out of the way because its customary to do it... You can tell. There is a significant difference!

Anyway, after doing some housework, I left to meet Lynette for lunch... Had Ban Mian at Simei. Then we went to Nanyang Optical to get new glasses. I wonder why they still call them glasses when they're made of plastic and metal. Just a thought... And I got psychoed into getting 6 months worth of contact lenses too. But I'm looking forward to wearing spectacles again... :P

Came home after doing some grocery shopping and I was whisked away...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
It's our time to shine through the down
glorified by what is ours
We've fallen in love
It was the best idea I ever had

Today I fell and felt better
Just knowing this matters
I just feel stronger
And sharper...
Found a box of sharp objects
What a beautiful thing
| the used - a box full of sharp objects |

Woke up this morning with a backache... But I felt much better than the night before. I guess its good that I got sufficient rest. Felt glad to be able to go to church to serve God by playing the drums for worship. It felt good to worship God this morning. Felt refreshed by His presence. I wonder if the other musicians feel the same way when they play. Again, there was no comments on my drumming so I don't know if I did well. I need to know how to improve myself... Joshua did mention that it was a little messy at the end but he didn't elaborate on how to improve it.

Had discipleship group after service. Did the teaching on God's Word - God's healing. It felt good to teach... It feels more natural now that I'm comfortable with what I'm speaking in front of them. And it feels good to teach people who want to learn. Its like their desire energizes me. I thank God that I was able to answer most of their questions. Must get Andy to give me a debrief of the teaching. :P

An opportunity arises...
What are you doing, daryl?

I feel so lifeless now. So tired... We lost the soccer match 4-2. I think we really let ourselves down. It wasn't like we were outplayed or anything. How do you lead a group of guys if they question your every decision. Or give you a long face when you have to take them out. I wonder how coaches and managers take the pressure. When things are going well, everyone pats you on the back. But when things go wrong, words are muttered under their breath and they try to murder you with their stares...

We started out with a standard 4-4-2 formation. But the whole team was in a mess during the first 10 minutes... Some players were out of position and a lot weren't chasing the ball. So I made a few changes to the team and I was impressed with the way the team fought back to be 2-1 up by the end of the first half.
Decided to go for a more attacking formation in the 2nd half and revert to the 3-2-3-2 formation that we used 2 weeks ago. Thats when the team and the tactics went berserk. The team was complaining that they were left open at the flanks. So the 3 central defenders started going out of position to cover the wings. Leaving the center even more exposed.

The idea of the 3-2-3-2 formation was not to cover the flanks but pack the center of defense... But somehow the team forgot the way we played 2 weeks ago and were unnerved by PLMC's wingers. We were the ones supposed to attack their flanks but the team kept trying to go through the center. They had a 5 man defense and it was like we were banging our heads on the wall.

That was the tactical aspect of the match which I was really disappointed about. I would have thought that with all their worries about being caught out at the flanks, that there would be at least one goal conceded from the flank or because of the flanks... But the goals all came through the center. Having an attacking formation would mean that we would be left slightly open at the back. But apparently the players weren't comfortable with that at all. I guess I should just have stuck with a 4-4-2 diamond midfield.

Went to Orchard Cineleisure after the match to watch A Vacant Affair. They only performed one and a half songs before they were cut because it was "raining". (there were like a few drops) One of the sound crew was just being a pain... I think that the organisers of Tapestry are crap to not be able to provide tentage... Or at least plastic covers for the amps. Oh well...

I'm in the mood to reflect over the today's incidents... Overpaid for a lousy field, got blamed for bad tactics, missed a golden opportunity during the match, played below my expectations, doubted my leadership, saw the band get cut, orchard made me moody. Not really much fun today. Whats there to learn from all this? Anyone knows?

Woke up quite early today... Finalised the venue for soccer. We'll be playing all the way in Farrer Park. Cambridge Primary School or something like that. Really looking forward to it.

Anyway, cleaned the dog area and scrubbed my soccer boots before leaving to go to Lynette's place. She was having contractors over to do her toilet... Prepared the teaching for DG this sunday. Learnt something while preparing. It really struck me when I read it.
"According to your faith will it be done to you"
| Matthew 9:29 |

According to my faith. Meaning as much as I believe! Meaning I am restricted by my unbelief. Meaning God can't use me if I lack the faith! Which means I need to build up my faith!
It really amazes me how verses can jump out at you all of a sudden. As if it was the first time you've seen them. And I learnt something else. Its not as simple as saying that you believe what the bible says. You have to meditate on it... Infuse it into your spirit. Until you know for sure! Until doubt bounces off you like bullets shot at a tank...

Had briefing for SonicFest'04 at St George's... Quite a large venue. The mainstage will be set up in a soccer field. So there's no worry about space. Loved the way they spoke of the things of God. Lets do things properly so that when the time comes for God to take over, it'll be the best platform for Him to work.
Marcus also shared about 2 Samuel 24:24. Another verse which impacted me greatly. "...I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing."

Made me think back on what I felt last night... What have I sacrificed? Nothing much. I have not given anything of great importance. I have not done anything that has a lasting value. What good have I done for the Kingdom of God? Nope... I want to do more... I want to do things for God and show Him when I face Him in heaven... See! This is what I've done for you. And although there's no cover charge to get in here, I did it because I love You. Because I want to see that smile on your face which will tell me, I did alright...

The highlight of my day was that I finally was able to shit... After Apple & Orange Juice Mix last night and many cups of Fruit Tree Orange, I have liberated my stomach. Hallelujah!

Spent much of the late morning and early afternoon doing assorted housework. Cleaning the dog area, setting the washing machine and then hanging out the clothes. Left for city hall to meet Liwei and Jeremy. Supposed to meet them this morning for breakfast and then to send Nathan off but I had this really good dream which I just had to see the ending of... I hope he understands... :P
So anyway, I went for a Burger King lunch. This was the first time in days that I finally could eat in peace without having visions of my stomach exploding. Wahaha... So after that the three of us went to peninsula to shop... I ended up buying a pair of drumsticks, a red trucker cap and a pair of goggles.

Rushed home to try out my new pair of goggles and they work very well! I've been swimming more ever since the pool reopened than I have ever swum since I've moved here. Its been like 10 years? The new pool area is nice with palm trees and all. I love it especially in the evenings when the sky is painfully blue and the orange sun peeks from behind the countless white clouds. Makes life seem so peaceful and quiet. And it makes a great workout as well!

Accompanied Matthew to the Tapestry gig Briefing in Toa Payoh. Had a great time thinking of new band names and laughing at them. We realised that there were quite a few band names that have to do with traffic lingo... For example, 'No Right Turn', 'Left Turn on Red', 'Dead End'.
So I decided to come up with a band name 'Hump Ahead'. With the album name, 'Basic Theory' and the hit single, 'No Parking'. WAHAHA!!!

Ok... It was more funny when we were talking about it. =/

Its been 3 days since I had a proper dump in the toilet... (read: shit!) I've been drinking fruit juice to try to help things along. (Pun intended!) I think its sort of caused by the anti-diarrhea medicine I took when I had stomach flu. When I was taking the medicine, I thought it wasn't working. Now, its working too well...

Just came back from a late evening swim... Kinda relaxing to swim at night. The only problem was I couldn't see where I was swimming without goggles. In the day, I can still make out where I'm going by opening my eyes underwater. But at night, its harder to see objects like the wall and to estimate the distance, so I start panicking because I'm afraid of hitting the wall... Had to go up to borrow goggles from Yvette.

Went to watch I, robot with Dale & Yvette in the evening... Its a good show! I thought it asked meaningful questions about things like purpose in life and loving our creator. Good show for future Movie MagiXS. :D
I would rate it 4 out of 5!!!

Spent the afternoon with Lynette today. Went shopping for airline tickets to Chiang Mai at People's Park in Chinatown... Realised quickly that flights by Thai Airways was sold out and flights by silkair were selling out quickly. So we decided to call Jeremy to book the flights through AirAsia... We managed to get our tickets for a cheaper price but not without a lot of trouble and a lot of phone calls! Kudos to Jeremy for his patience and willingness to help!!! :D

Gotta go sleep soon. Hafta wake up at 5:30am... Sending Nathan into army and we having breakfast at Raimah...

I apologise in advance if I start rambling in this post. I can't seem to think straight. Haven't been eating much these few days and its beginning to show. Lost weight already. I'm getting skinny again... (People will say, "When were you ever not skinny???) But I thank God that I'm recovering.

The things that happened today made me look back and think through my own expectations. I've realised that I spot other people's mistakes almost immediately. Not like I'm intentionally on the look out for these mistakes but just so that I can let them know about it. So quick to pick on others. I could be ignorant of my own shortcomings staring in my face. My sister says that the best way is to listen out to what God tells you. He'll let you know if you're screwing up. But only if you're listening...

So am I listening?
Not all the time... For one thing, listening takes a quiet heart free of distractions. And my mind on the other hand wants distractions like a kid wants candy. Even when I have nothing else to do, and the only thing left to do is to sit with God and read the bible. My mind will conveniently 'overlook' that option. Probably to sit at the computer reading or playing computer games or flipping through the dozens of channels on the television. I'll get to it tonight.

I have this exercise book where I used to jot down my ex-girlfriend's SMSes... Stumbled across it when I was looking for something to read in my bookshelf. Anyway, all the SMSes that meant something to me were written in there along with the date and time. (There were alot of them!) I was reading through some of the messages and it reminded me of why I was so afraid when I broke up with her. I was afraid that I'll never be loved the way she portrayed in those messages ever again. The way she reassured me of her love and the way she encouraged me to strive after God. Can it be found again? Or was it a fluke in the massive plan of the universe that was righted after we broke up? Dare I suggest that it was a fluke in God's plan? Or more likely my impatience in finding a girlfriend?

I'm told and I believe that God's plan has in store a better partner for me. But a part of me dreads that in a totally selfish way. Will she be what I expected? Will she fit my impression of 'better'? So many questions again! But the answer remains the same.

Managed to go for John & Debbie's wedding dinner last night. Managed to eat some food. Still recovering from stomach flu. The atmosphere was a bit subdued though... Maybe because of the mix of people from UK and people from Singapore... Cultural differences? Hahaha!!! The UK people kept toasting to every single person and kept making this poor boy stand up and sit down.

I dropped by to esplanade to see Electrico play at the arena. Had time to burn while waiting for the wedding dinner to start. I think the people there were quite to see some guy dressed in formal wear strolling around the place. Bought the survival pack for $20...

Parents left for overseas this morning. Can't remember whether they're going UK or Australia... Hahaha.

Hmm... Today was a horrible day... Had a viral infection in my tummy... So my body decided to empty my stomach of all material. From both ends. Not a very pleasant experience. Haven't been this ill in ages. I wonder what I ate... Thank God I'm feeling better now. Missed Debbie's wedding ceremony though. Praying that I'll be well in time for the dinner tomorrow.

Took this quiz from Aaron's blog... I agree with my results totally!!! HAHAHA!!!

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:	MaleFemale
Sexuality:	StraightGayBisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 43%
Kissing Skill Level - 93%
Cuddling Skill Level - 60%
Sex Skill Level - 92%
Why They Love You	You know exactly what they want.
Why They Hate You	You kiss better than them.
This Quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 285068 Times.

Baybeats 2004...
Reached there in time for the last band... Standard Screamo band... Nothing fantastic at all... Looking forward to tomorrow. Better lineup!

A Vacant Affair will be distributing their re-recorded single, "How About Enough?" tomorrow. So look out for us to get a copy!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That final stretch home always brings memories
Thoughts that contradict the resolutions I've made
They've moved on, they've lived their lives
And here I am, wandering, clinging to yesterday
To dreams I've dreamt and wishes that went
Unfulfilled, Unattained
To questions I've asked and love I've lost
Unanswered, Rejected...

I return to you...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Watched spiderman 2... Its much too emo! Left me speechless many times... I was wondering why Dashboard Confessional did a song for the soundtrack. Now I know...

Took number 7 home. Its been awhile since I've enjoyed a good long bus ride. Reflecting on what I've become these few months. All I can say is that I'm getting more and more imperfect. I don't know if its a gradual realisation of what I've been all along or its a journey I'm on after picking up new things. And its leaving me hugely unsatisfied... Usually people get better at life as time goes by. Armed with more experience, they tackle the unknown with a quiet confidence. But me... I'm carried along kicking and screaming...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Back and forth, on it goes
Never stopping, it flows through
The pathway, lined with bodies
Burning the excess fat
But the useless mass lies in the head
It creates and then cripples,
Entrances and then terrifies,
This is the new, this is the time

Be very quiet, not a sound
As the tinkle of glass pierces
It cuts the air like a machete
And its whistle unfurls the intent
While a single tear traverses
Down the curves of her cheek
Undaunted by creases in her smile
This is the time, this is the age

As lips touch, heaven unleashed
In the seconds that take years to arrive
Parallels that will never meet
Will there ever be closure
Is this simply a travesty of love?
A mockery of the great sacrifice?
A hope given only to be taken away?
Is this the end? Will there ever be?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Wahey... I'm emo.

Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...

What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For everytime I've given in, there's always regret
For even the slightest whim, its there to distract
Its like aiming with my weaker eye and hoping to hit
These man-made signs lead you, they try to make you stupid

Sitting by the stairs leading to the unknown
But I need some help, can't make it on my own
Need some time to make up my mind,
to wait for that empty touch
the sun will come
its time to march, its time to march on

I need a way to destroy myself
to burn myself, to murder me
I can no longer be who you want me to be
And I can no longer go back to the way i was before
Not anymore...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Hooray... Its been a very long day. Sang backup for worship in the first and second service. Got good comments from a few people. I'm glad! I'm glad that some people really managed to meet God in the worship.

The double act is trying to make its way back. And I'm trying to let it. Yes... trying... Cos my Spirit's not letting me just do it. And I'm glad it doesn't.

Keith got the 3 CDs for me. I wished I could order CDs from the US every other week... Had a family reunion dinner at Aunt Juling's house tonight. Good to see everyone in good health. I shall retire to bed soon... Got to much on my mind to stay up!

What a day!!! What a match!!! Charis MC's first win in I dunno how long!! Final score 3-1!

Credit goes to the team from Paya Lebar! They put up a tough fight in the first half and Charis MC was pushed back for long periods of time. When CMC did get a chance to attack, borrowed defender, Jianping, was there to put out any danger. Both teams struggled to find their rhythm in the first half but it was a rare error by Jianping that led to CMC's first goal. The ball was going back to the keeper when the solid defender put the ball in his own net. CMC had more chances to increase the lead with former team captain, Raymond hitting the bar with a almost-perfect freekick. So thats how the score stayed... 1-0 to CMC at half time...

The 2nd half saw changes made to CMC's attack. Daryl replaced Jean Francois at right midfield, Jeremy Wee replace Joel Ong in attack and Amos Wee replaced Dennis as defensive midfield. New import 'KC' also made a big impact as leftback. These changes seemed to bring life to Charis MC's attack as they continued to pile the pressure. This was evident in the many corner kicks that PLMC gave away. Many chances were squandered much to the displeasure of most of the players, but none as evident as CMC captain, Daryl. However, from a corner taken by Daryl, the ball was delivered into the center of the box where it was powered home by CMC's experimental striker, Liwei. 2-0 to CMC!

CMC seemed to grow in confidence and Nathan and Raymond were having a field day making experimental changes to the side... Another experimental striker, Dennis, had a chance to make it 3-0 when he muscled his way into the box. With one defender left in his wake and another struggling to keep up, you would put your money on Dennis to finish the move. But the bulky man was put off by the keeper coming off his line and smashed his shot into the crossbar! More chances continued to come but CMC did not managed to finish them. One humourous example was when Jianping and Jeremy Wee got in each others way and Jianping was left kicking air. Jeremy Wee did well in his first outing in CMC colours as he used his blistering pace to good effect. The young Abel Gan also did well to impress the team with his calmness under pressure at right back.

After another failed attacking move by CMC, the players were getting back into position when the keeper gave a poor pass to one of his players. Daryl, seeing the opportunity, pressured and won the ball from the defender and but slightly overhit it towards the opponent's centreback. With determination, he managed to charge down the ball and run towards the opponents goal. Having to keep balance to prevent himself from being forced wide and seeing the keeper charge out, he managed to keep possession and finally flick the ball past the hapless keeper for the 3rd goal of the game sealing CMC's win.

PLMC managed to get a consolation goal when CMC started an all out attack and was caught open at the back. But it was too little too late for the plucky side. It would seem that a lack of subsitutes was the reason for PLMC's downfall. Lets hope that the 2nd leg will be better.

I don't know who made the time slow down!!! I've been up since 7-ish... Lying in bed looking at my phone waiting for it to turn 9. Then when I go back to sleep for what seems to be a few hours and wake up, only 15 minutes have past. It kep happening till 9:25am when i got out of bed. Time slows down when you're looking forward to something... :P

Prayed for the match and the people too... I prayed that the weather would stay cool and that the match will be played in good spirit. Hopefully this will be an avenue to invite new friends to come.

Going to wash up and prepare now... We shall WIN!!!

My head has been hurting... I've been thinking about certain things much too much. Especially since I wake up at 9 every morning when the sun shines into my room. It pierces the back of my brain and reminds me what I was thinking of the night before... Makes me very tired in the mornings.

But I'm glad I get to spend some time with God in the afternoons... This afternoon my mom and I went to do our hair. It was at her friend's house. Sort of a home salon. I dyed, highlighted & trimmed my hair for 60 bucks. I think its value for money. Kinda striking now. I guess its nice lah. :P
I had to endure 45 minutes of burning scalp for it...

Just finalised the location for this saturday's soccer match. Charis MC. vs Paya Lebar MC. We should be playing at Marina South at 1pm on saturday. Really looking forward to it. The thought of running with a ball at my feet along the stretch of grass just makes my heart race! No disrespect to Paya Lebar but I think that we have a chance of winning this game. Finally this will be our hour of glory!!!

::: Quote of the Day :::
Most of the great art in the world is about that very problem
Good looking people, they got no spines
Their art never lasts... And (yet) they get the girls
But we're smarter

Thats what the great art is about
The guilt and the longing

Love to these guys is sex
and sex to these guys is love
| From the movie 'Almost Famous' |

A couple of questions that Andy posted on the XS forum

Questions that may even shake the deepest foundation of our faith....

Why are you so sure that what we believe in is for real?

and

If we 1st believe in Christ for the sake of fearing eternal death and by believing in Him we are saved... does'nt that mean we are believing it for our own good? Is that not selfish?

Why am I so sure?
Well, we humans are strange things. We need evidence or proof that God exists. Whereas in Christianity, a lot of the spiritual lessons that we need to learn requires something called faith. Somethings just don't work without it. Theres the crux of the problem. On one hand, we want evidential proof that God exists and that He'll actually do what He promises in the bible. On the other, the bible says that these things have been given to us and simply requires our faith to work. So how? Many people can't get past this hurdle. Sometimes because of obstacles that have been put in our way such as doubts or temptations.

I'm sure because God has not let me down. He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. When I hung out with the wrong company and did all sorts of crap in secondary school, He still ran to me when I called out to Him. When I failed my first year at poly, He guided me and gave me back my self worth. When I was crushed by a bad breakup he pieced me back together. Time and time again, He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. Even if it was I who chose to do wrong in the first place. He always bailed me out. After all the times I went through hell, making bad decision and basically being the biggest fool. (Because of the shit I put others through)
There came a point in time where I didn't want to be without Him anymore. I didn't want to go through life making the same mistakes to different people. I didn't want to go through life aimlessly any longer.

I guess being born into a Christian family and being a 4th generation Christian has its priviledges. I sort of knew how to talk to God already and how to turn to Him when things went wrong. So I dedicated my life to Him and put whatever was left of my miserable life into His hands and said, "Here... Take this. Use it however you like but I don't know whether it'll be any good. Its broken."
He did use me and I believe He'll continue to use me to achieve much greater things! He has not failed me ever since I've given my life to Him. My life, being guided by Him, has been generally a smooth one. Not without incident, but all manageable and bearable because He's with me.

But why am I so sure? He is just like a friend whom I can converse with. He tells me things and when I obey, things ALWAYS turn out right in the end. He provides for every need that I have. He's opened doors and made opportunities available for me. Such that I have such an enjoyable time serving Him. All I can say is that with God, you have to make the step of faith to really see Him. And I'm glad that He reveals Himself to me in this way... Bit by bit... Cos I treasure what I discover more! And I grow to love Him more.

Are we being selfish by believing in Him initially for salvation?
Well... Let me put it this way. If your best pal bought you a country club membership. And offered to you citing the benefits that the club offered, would you be selfish to accept the membership? Does that mean that since we want the benefits, we're having selfish motives? Its been bought, its been given. All we have to do is accept!!!
Of course naturally we have to move on from just collecting the benefits to finding ways to bless others as well... Its only selfish when we continue just to think about how to gain from the 'membership'.

I don't know if I've answered the questions at all... Just wrote the thoughts that came to mind when I read the questions. I like question that make me think about the faith. Chances are I've thought through them before. Oh... And another reason why I belive? Because I've consicously tried to doubt it before. I've tried to find the smallest reason to stop beliving and with my limited intellect I couldn't. Having said that, even geniuses like C.S. Lewis believed after constant questioning.

Played for service today. Got into the right mode of worship quite easily. Played more comfortably too. Trying to play and improve at the same time is quite difficult but I'll keep trying. I'm beginning to question the sermons coming from the pulpit... Maybe its a lull.

I sang backup for todays worship practice... The singing was alright. Had a little trouble with the harmony because it meant singing higher than the melody. So I had to strain a little to hit the notes.
Had new musicians so it was a little tedious during practice. But its something we have to endure if we're to encourage new musicians to step up. Praying for more musicians to come. We need them.

::: Thought of the Day :::
I want to...

But should I?

As far as I see...

It won't get anywhere...

Good evening... I just got back from supper... Only had one chicken wing. Didn't have much of an appetite. The performance at PLMC was good but I kinda screwed up in the 2nd song. Wahahaha... Nevermind. The bands did pretty well... Was disappointed by the 2nd band. They did so well during the practices and impressed me so much but sounded pretty tame during the actual thing. Sonicedge as usual, blew me away with their tightness, loudness and amazing desire to worship God with every movement and every note. It was beautiful...

So beautiful...
I'm wary.
So ugly
I'm weary...

I had a nice talk with Josephine before the concert started. Shared about my direction and what I wanted to achieve in life. And she shared about how God has been taking care of her in her life. And how, in her independence, she had to depend solely on God. And God carried her through.

Dear Lord, how can I compare? People better than me, more effective than me in every aspect that I wish to serve you in. You don't require the best I know... Just my best. But I think there's something about being the best and then giving that to you? I don't know, Lord. But this is something I want to do for you. I pray that you'll open doors for me to learn. That there will opportunities for me to improve myself. Cos I know Lord, I'm not satisfied with what I'm offering. I want to be more effective for you. I don't know if there's such a thing as being selfless for personal glory but I pray that I'm not doing that.

::: Song of the Day :::
Oh my God
I've been waiting for you all of my life
The trees are tired from breathing
Sharks keep moving never stopping
Sharks keep moving on

Cut out my eyes
to spite my heart
Wish for sleep but never stopping
Assignments pile up.
| further seems forever - Aurora Borealis (In Long Form) |

Surely there will be someone. Surely? Or are my expectations filtering every other person out? Until nothing comes through... Is it me who needs to change my expectations? Or is it a matter of excercising faith?
I've found out something else about what I like. Innocence, a desire to learn, a desire for the duality of God's work... Both the simplicity & complexity of it. Is it really that impossible?

And I better watch myself again. To make myself worth it... Does every girl stop learning at 18? Do their desires change so greatly at that age? Is there no one like me? No one who refuses to obey the world? Or has a desire to serve God? Maybe I changed too early? Maybe I got my eyes opened sooner than anyone else? Maybe by some divine accident, I've been jolted awake 4 or 5 years too early? Like waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

Is my trusting God just a cover for not wanting to do things by myself? A diversion for laziness? If it was, I would just be walking into the pit of death. Maybe this isn't how things work... Maybe one must have the ability to give up their qualifications (diplomas, degrees, masters, doctorates) and a stable job to be considered useful for the Kingdom of God. People like me who no longer see a need to chase after these worthless things are of a lower standard in His service... Cos thats how I feel I'm treated.

I CANNOT SERVE GOD!!!
Why?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO...
Oh boohoo... thats your problem my dear boy.

And I feel as if I'm just a immature little punk who doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I feel like the little boy who gets his hair ruffled by a proud uncle who chuckles to himself, "How cute" and hands him a dollar for making him laugh. And the worst thing? I feel as if I've said all this before... As if I'm being put on repeat in a CD player. And tomorrow, it won't matter. Because no one pays attention to the punk with earrings. Cos he doesn't know what he's talking about. He is just a classic example of the 'young people' which are polluting our society. It seems that how I look matters to you more than it does to me, doesn't it?

There's nothing keeping me here except committment to several people that I feel a need to be with. I feel a responsibility for them. Because with this glass ceiling, I can never move up. If I can't get what I want, thats bad enough. But not being able to do what I want to do for God, thats worse...
But its still what I want to do... Sigh...

Hello world... Before I begin, please banish all thoughts about pride and egoism. This is not what this entry is about. And I don't claim that what I say about myself is true. But don't miss the point.

Is it enough to be good at the things you do? I've been blessed with ability to do certain things well... But these things by themselves don't mean a thing. So what if you can play soccer better than anyone in church? Who cares if you're good at playing the drums? So what if people think you have a nice voice or can write nice lyrics? Who actually gives a damn whether or not you dance better than the people at PLMC? All these doesn't matter... And why not? Because there'll always be someone better...

But you're different! You're doing this for God!
And I could rattle off names of people who are doing more for Him and giving more to Him. And they don't look for recognition... Or they manage to put down seeking recognition. So are my motives pure? Or do I have a secret desire for fame? Maybe I like the attention... Or maybe its the thrill of getting compliments. I don't know what it is. But I do know that God has blessed me with another thing. The mundanity of it all without Him in the center... The self-seeking thrill will not last. The climax will be short-lived just like every other worldly passion. And I'm relieved it does. I really am...

But there is another passion I have which distracts... Another passion which could take the place of my One True Love. And it almost would if it wasn't so damn foolish. If it wasn't so... unrealistic. Not in a hopeless romantic way, but unrealistic in a practical way. Can anyone say 'déjà vu'?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Take Time to Find
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide

And because chance plays no part
In the game of life
decisions and choices of the heart
must not be made with the mind
And so my will is set
and I put my best foot forward
But faith seems to be short lived
And I whimper like a coward

Time takes twice as long
when you're waiting for her to grow
Be strong, you cannot be wrong
This many times in a row
Fear of the unknown and unseen
can drive a man mad
Especially if someone else might win
a woman's favour is not to be shared

So as the wise men always say
The best is yet to come
I strive on, her love I crave
The journey has begun
Reminded constantly to keep in step
with the one who made this path
You're not ready, not quite yet
Still a diamond in the rough
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A little boy made my day today. I was walking out to the mrt and the pre-schoolers were having some activity at the sepak takraw court. Then as I glanced at them, this little boy waved at me and smiled the sweetest smile you can ever imagine. Of course, I waved back and flashed him a big grin. And he gave me an even bigger smile. I pray that when I have a child, he'll be as pleasant and friendly as the one I met today.

Woke up and spent quite a while reading 'The Body Thief' by Anne Rice... Almost can't put it down since I started reading it a few days ago. Interesting to read about how many theories about God she can come up with. All of them are not true though. Romanticising evil...

Went down to town to meet up with Fad to get my bible back... Or should I say to finally get my bible back. I really don't know whats up with Nurul. I've been asking for it for several months already. Anyway, enough of half-baked excuses... I'm glad I got my New King James back. Had to hang around town for a couple of hours though cos Fad had gone to watch a movie. So I got off at Plaza Singapura and had a late lunch at burger king. Then looked around in trumpet praise. Its almost a custom to go there whenever I head to plaza singapura...

Started walking to cineleisure in somerset but when I got there, Fad hadn't called so I stumbled into Heeren to take a look at CDs. But not before I had made a pitstop at the restroom. (Really needed it!) Looked around HMV for quite a while but I couldn't find anything nice except Funeral For A Friend... Decided to get it because all the new CDs aren't out in Singapore yet. I'm asking Keith to get 3 new albums for me from US before he comes back... Hopefully he'll be able to find those albums.

Kinda packed day tomorrow. Portugal vs Holland at 2:45am. Family coming back at around 4:15 in the afternoon.. Dance Practice at 6:30... Oh yah! Need to call michelle about the costume...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The glitter in these words.
They remind me.
The guilty tendencies.
They chide me.
These fragile words
They mean nothing, nothing
The moon smiles.
And I bask in her beauty.

Dressed in purple and white
While a radiance hugs your skin
And because of the tune you're singing.
Its leaves my ears ringing.
And your intentions are like glass.
Won't you break them for me?
Won't you just break me?

And i try to let these thoughts slide from you,
but you just won't let me,
so i made this journey away from the years I' ve wasted.
I shouldn't have waited for you.

I can still feel the breeze
from the way you walked passed me.
And your trail leaves a fire that burns through my soul.
Like a hole
Where hurts fall.
You don't know
if we might have made it at all.

Take the wheel. (No condemnation.)
Run me over. (No more patience)
How i'm feeling. (Take me over)
Doesn't matter. (Doesn't matter)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Been staying up till 5 or 6 in the morning the past few days to watch Euro 2004 matches. Leaves me waking up at around 12 noon with a buzzing in my head... Felt good to go back to worship in Charis this morning. I missed the family bonding in our congregation. Although worship was a little bit distracting, I enjoyed the service. Pastor Louis spoke today and from his past few sermons, I find that he is very focused on current issues and isn't afraid to speak out. But his sermons isn't much like a teaching but rather like a father disciplining a child. It isn't wrong but I feel it has to go hand in hand with good teaching on the bible.

Scribbled a few thoughts on love nearing the end of the sermon.
First love? Romance? These are all well & good. But its not what makes a relationship tick. its the same with BGRs, marriages and our relationship with God. When the honeymoon period ends, it means something!! It means we have to grow up & move on to the next step of the relationship. Into one thats not dependent on the way you feel. One that doesn't depend on the feeling of romance. Love is so much more than a feeling. Its a commitment, a dedication of your life involving perseverance & sacrifice.

But what some people think about love appalls me. Love ceases when the feeling ceases. It means they no longer love their partner. It means its time to move on to find another partner who can give them that flighty 'butterflies-in-the-stomach' feeling. Cos if they decide to stay with their present partner, its denying and lying to themselves...

The Good thing about God is that He's the perfect partner. The relationship is only dependent on us. Because He understands us, loves us and cares of us more than we could for ourselves. However in a life partner, more of than than not, both parties have selfish thinking. When I say selfish, I don't mean its a conscious intention to be selfish. We do many things that we don't realise. Anyway, thats why the best thing to do is to focus on our relationship with God. Because He's so perfect. We can focus on developing ourselves. I don't know if it would work for sure in a real-life scenario, but I believe it might...

Thats where I got to when the sermon ended... Blabber blabber. It might be the lack of sleep.

We (Xiong, Joe, Vincent, Gerald and myself) went to visit Thomson at Singapore General Hospital. Spent quite a while there talking and encouraging him. Well they did, I was too tired to do or say anything. Watched him go through 3 packs of platelets. Prayed for him after that. There was this old man who was in the next bed who went 'Amen' when we finished praying. Starting talking to him and prayed for him as well. My gosh, his faith was amazing. Dear Lord, you and your word says that its by our faith. And Lord by that man's faith he should be healed... No exceptions right?

Dale's back home... Not so lonely at home now.

Restraint...
So that by the time I do get there, it might be the right time.
Or I might not dig her anymore.
Or she might not dig me anymore.
Come to think of it. Have I ever restrained myself?

I'm home alone... Such a big house to myself. Not that I even move out of the living room though. Went out with the band and Pam to have Katong Laksa just now. Its good to see them again. Missed the nonsense!!! :D Went to parkway after that and when they left, I went shopping by myself. Bought a pair of earphones and some cologne. What?!? Can't guys splurge on themselves?

Missed being alone. Got to face my thoughts and think about things. Began to think about what I was doing with my life. Felt quite proud to be all alone in Singapore taking care of myself. But then it dawned on me that I'm still relying on pocket money from my parents. I'm 21 years old and I'm still relying on pocket money.

It would be about 6 years before I finish my equipping time. 6 years before I can even think about having a stable income. Thats assuming that I'll be working in a stable job. Of course there'll be army allowance and part time jobs here and there. But would it be enough? Will I ever have enough to get through daily expenses like food and transport. The tuition fees for Rhema Bible Training Center. I thank God that I have a roof over my head and a good family. But sooner or later there'll be a crunch time. Dear God, will I dare rely on you then? Or will I be struggling to make ends meet?
Things go to hell when I try to pick up the pieces. Why do I keep insisting on my own way? As if I could do better than You. I'm trying to be an obedient jigsaw puzzle.

Bathed Spunky just now. He's been wiping himself on the foot mat for the past 15 minutes... How cute! Cleaned his toilet area too... There's a lesson be learnt somewhere here. Hahaha!

Was checking my school email account... Stumbled across my values reflection that I had to submit for some subject (APEL). Just thought I'd post it for memories sake...

Throughout my twenty one years of my life, I have experienced many things and met many types of people. While participating in all these activities, be it in school or organized by my church, I have found out that there are many different types of people with many different types of characters. In addition to this, I have also gained much experience in working with these people. Through these activities, I have also learnt more about myself and the things I am good at. For example, I now understand that in doing projects, I am apprehensive of trying things that are new. But at the same time, once I have had experience in doing these things, I become more confident and I am able to experiment new and better methods of doing them.

I believe that my journey in Temasek Polytechnic has been one that has changed my way of thinking as well as the way I view the world. When I first came to Temasek Polytechnic in the year 2000, I was still immature in my thinking, naïve in my thoughts and confused about my purpose in life. Being the way I was, I found it difficult to study and do my work without the constant 'hounding' that I would usually get in secondary school. This was due to the new found 'freedom' I had in polytechnic. Whether I wanted to learn depended entirely on myself.

Unfortunately, I did not realize this quick enough. I failed my first year miserably because of my lack of motivation and discipline. I almost could not even repeat the year because of how badly I did in the exams. But after sending in a letter of appeal, I got my second chance. Through this experience, I feel that I have not put that chance to waste. I started to work hard and tried my best in everything I had to do.

Through serving in my church, I have realised that I don't get same satisfaction of giving through any other means. Whether it be organizing events for the youth or serving in the music ministry, I know that people can only be truly happy if they are giving. A clear example was when I was in the organising committee for a youth camp. Working under a deadline and tight budget required us to be innovative and imaginative in coming up with an attractive camp programme. It also required all of us to exercise patience with one another. We also had to chip in to help one another in areas that were not under our list of responsibilities. But because of the willingness to help each other, the camp was a success.

I find the following verses from the bible really meaningful. It speaks of seeking for wisdom and what it can do for you. I feel that in everything that I've done, whether for my studies, for my church, for enjoyment or just for fun, that deciding to do the right thing is the most important. And that it will be the single most important factor in the decisions of my life.

If you turn your ear to wisdom... ...Then you will understand what is right and just and fair as well as every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. [Book of Proverbs Chapter 2 verse 9-11]

I think that I will continue to learn much more after I graduate from Temasek Polytechnic. I look forward to more experiences like the ones I have gone through. Even the ones that were not so pleasant because its true when they say, 'What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

You know you're screwed when you feel bad for being yourself.
You know there's no future if you can't accept something that isn't wrong.
And you know that if you can't accept it, then this is the right way to go.
But you know it doesn't have to be like that.

Going to fetch my parents from the airport. I hope the house is in an acceptable condition.

The Mental Torment
I couldn't sleep... because I think I have found her. I have to put her away now because as with all missions, it ain't over till you've completed all of it. This last part is the most crucial. Because my whole life will depend on it.

Do not make a move, do not raise your voices, do not say a word.
Until the day I tell you to.
Then do it!

::: Song of the Day :::
I don't want to come back here, to this place.
It's a cold that only comes from blaming yourself for two decades wasted.
And I don't want to come back here, to this place.
When it all just repeats in my head again, and I cannot stop it.

And the pavement is still warm from the tires.
I can still feel the fright that the night brings.
Every song that you'd sing.
And I won't ever come back here to this place.
All I ever do is picture you smiling, and then picture you leaving.

And the glass in the trees, and all you left here,
Reflects everything that I missed.

Slow down.
I'll try and make it up to you.

They've cut down the trees to try to forget you.
But I took a vow to never forget you.
If you're still here, then we're waiting.

We'll wait for you to come back home to the broken little foes.
Until the guilt grows and grows.
When the time that's wasted comes back to haunt me.
And I'll deserve every bit. because I'm not spiritual yet.
I'm just reading the lines they gave me from the pulpit.
And it's not fading off, we remember the years.
As we sift through the laughter to find all the tears.
And I'm not worthy of grievance, I did nothing to prevent this.
And standing at your grave, I could have caused this.
| Dead Poetic - Glass in the Trees |

Been thinking back over the past week. Over what I've experienced over with the paya lebar methodist people... Interesting to note that the way things are done are different from the way we do things. Most of their methods and procedures are alot better than ours. But I still believe that Charis is where I'll stay. One outstanding thing I'd like to note is our worship ministry. I believe that we've come further in that aspect than most other churches. Most improved worship award? Haha...

I'm not trying to compare to say which church is better but I just think that there are things which we can learn. Especially in terms of encouragement and edification. Over there, they are not afraid to give an encouraging word. I'm not saying that they kiss one another's asses. (They do tell you if you suck!) But they do it in a loving way.

The Christian walk is a tough one. And one of the responsibilities of the church is to spur one another on. Why is it we've started thinking that by encouraging a brother or sister in Christ, we are inflating their ego? Why have we perverted what the Word of God says? I've lost count the number of times the word 'encourage' has appeared in the bible. (A search on bible gateway shows 59 results)

Been distracted lately by certain circumstances. Even though I know that things are unlikely to turn out right. And I have this feeling in my spirit that I'll get my heart torn again if I let myself fall in. But then again, its always easier said than done.

And again I look at the surface. And I remember what happened the last time. I'm behaving like I was never beaten down. Walking back into the lion's den like a foolish man.
She doesn't love my God as much as I do. She doesn't honor him like I do. She doesn't believe in Him like I do. She doesn't care about God like I do. And yet again, I'm walking this path without any earthly partner by my side. And I know its not the time now. Just because there isn't anyone as crazy about God as I am. And God... I'm laying down this desire. You know its for you. You know its difficult. You know the dreams that I've crucified. But I dare not claim that its a big deal. Nothing can compare to your Sacrifice. But remember me Lord. Remember me as I crucify the desires of my flesh.

3 weeks of being away from home... Its tiring but undeniably rewarding. I've learnt so much during this time. Things that I'm capable of, things I can improve and things that I just have to rely on God for.

No time to update... Bleah

::: Lyric of the Day :::
can't decide, then look at the faces
candlelight
we're burning the pages
but ask us why
and hurting ourselves with this false start
resign yourself
and always be (and we pretend)
without the one (it simply gets easier)
thing you need (but it doesn't get easier)
reading words with no replies

i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled and i
keep losing this fight
| emery - fractions |

MONDAY IN CHIANGMAI/BANGKOK
We had a time of encouragement before we flew back to Singapore. I was slightly disappointed at the things they said about me. Things like I was a good dancer, cool, willing to teach dance moves, etc... Very much things on the surface. Is that how I come across? Is that all people see me as?

Before that, Commandant Joseph knelt beside me after worship and prayed for me. This is a rough recollection of what he said.

A storm. You are about to walk into a storm. A storm which will challenge the way you think, the way you speak and the way you behave. You will be challenged spiritually, mentally, morally & physically. You have to ground yourself in the word. Let God drop an anchor in the bedrock of your heart. So you will not waver. You need to prepare yourself so that you become consistent.

There will be times when you are down and you will hear God speaking to you and comforting you. But there will be times when you won't hear anything. It doesn't mean He's not there. This is when you just have to cling to Him. this storm, this fire is a purifying process so that when you get out of it, He will be able to use you.

There is a group of people God wants you to reach. People who are not in the mainstream. People like yourself and if you're not ready, they will tear you apart.

Strong words. He was referring to army. But if my God is for me, who can be against me?

::: Verse of the Day :::
I, the LORD , have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.
| Isaiah 42:6-7 |

SUNDAY IN CHIANGMAI
Am I hearing him right? He asked me to pray. Just pray...
This is what God said to me when Commandant Joseph asked us to ask God to give us our 'report card'

As always... My love for you never changes. I have shown you many things and you know what is needed. Be parallel with me. In line... You have been obedient and I am pleased. But you know there are things you have to work on. Old habits, runaway thoughts and emotions.
I've never been more glad thanduring the times you spend with me. Times like these. But I need you to do it more! There are things I can only tell you if you linger in me.
I love your dancing, your singing, your drumming. Your worship pleases me. But what pleases me most? Your desire to see people worship me in Spirit & in truth. Yes it does frustrate you. I can see. But remember I give the growth, I give the increase. You pray... Just pray for people to be stirred up. For people to be obedient to my calling. Your time is not here yet.

Here I am again, watching things happen... I want to play a part in it God. I don't want to be a bystander! Let me do your dirty work. But God says my work is prayer. There's something about prayer. You can't see the process. Maybe I have to put down this desire to have people recognising that I'm doing great works for Him.
As long as you think that prayer is a less important job, it'll remain that way.

My roomie Uncle Allan just encouraged me before he fell asleep. "Not many boys your age are so willing/ready to serve God. Most would be dreaming about making their first million."
I guess I'm different that way. I guess I see no point in working for things that are fruitless. Commandant Josepth was sharing with us that there are 3 things that have eternal value.
1) The word of God.
2) Our relationship with God
3) Our relationship with people

Forgive me if I don't view the world the way others do.

SATURDAY IN CHIANGMAI
God has shown me another aspect of Chiang Mai. We visited a home for young tribal girls, namely the Lahu. Their ages range from 3 - 15, I think. These girls are 'rescued' from their home villages before they can be sold into prostitution by their parents. So they receive food, lodging and an education.

We were meant to go there to minister to the children but I felt that through their dances & singing of the the girls that they ministered more to me. I was in tears when they were singing worship songs and doing the actions. First in Thai and then in English. It was really touching when you consider why they did it and the amount of practice they put into it. All for the glory of the same God we serve.

After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.

And they cried out in a loud voice:
"Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb."
| Revelation 7:9-10 |

I long to be a worshipper along with people from all over the world. As I've mentioned before. Worship is our ultimate purpose. Missions are carried out to make sure God gets the utmost glory as mentioned in Revelations 7.

There is something I read in the bible which caught my attention. Isaiah 58:11 talks about being in a sun scorched land & having a thirst which the Lord would quench. Whereas in Revelation 7:16 it says that in that time we will never again thirst or hunger or feel the scorching heat from the sun. Thats what we're working towards, but for now we rely on Him.

::: Quote of the Day :::
Passion is the fuel
Calling the destination
The Holy Spirit is a guide
Equipping the vehicle

THURSDAY IN CHIANGMAI
I never want to grow tired of learning. (By tired, I mean sick of it) Its such a blessing to gain more knowledge and skills to help others. And its a greater blessing when God gives you a glimpse of what He wants to do with your life.

To date, I know that I have a passion for worship/music, a desire to be used by God (a dangerous man for Him), I've been called special in God's eyes (everyone is!), been envisioned with wings (to protect others) and been described as having a heart like David. I also see myself giving God glory on a stage. These are like many sides of a shape that God has planned for me to be. I've also found a burden in the form of the youth in Sanphranet Church. When Gloria & I met up with Henry's wife, Tuk, She was explaining how mentally and physically tired she was. She didn't have much help running the kindergarten. Then she told us about the youth who have stopped coming to church. It made me so sad, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I hope they didn't see me crying as I opened the church gate for them to drive out.

I see a need so clearly! But what can I do? How can I help in this area, Lord? What can I provide besides willingness? I DON'T WANT TO OFFER HELP & END UP BEING A LIABILITY... What about the equipping after my NS? Will it be too late then? These people need to know You more deeply! They need to know you better & more personally! The blessings, authority and the victory we have! They need to know that there's more to Christianity than sunday services and programs.

Dear Father, if this is your calling... If you placed this burden in my heart, You carry through and show me what I have to do for you. I know you won't let me wander aimlessly. You lead me on the path you've set out for me. Amen!

::: Quote of the Day :::
If God calls you to do something,
He will give you the necessary qualifications.
| Kenneth E. Hagin |

Bon Voyage
In a few hours I'll be off to the airport. Gonna meet some of the cell to stay overnight at the airport. Cos I have to be there at 6am tomorrow... Hopefully I'll be able to get enough rest tonight. Will continue to journal there as much as possible and upload it here when I get back. I don't know what to expect but I know it'll be more than I can imagine.

Dear God... There's something I should learn at this trip. I don't want to miss it. I want to put away all distractions for you. I want to put away all pride for you. My best for you, God... Cos you did the same for me. Amen.

Boot Camp Day 3
Sani prayed for me just now...
Joseph was asking those who might have a calling into full time ministry to come forward to be prayed for. Sani said he saw that I had a heart like David. I was stunned when I heard that cos David was the only man in the bible to be called a man after God's heart. Sani also encouraged me saying that God is not concerned about my ability but more on my availability. God would provide all I needed so I needn't worry. He spoke with a lot of compassion.

We went to Paya Lebar Methodist Church after lunch. Was quite tired and my body was aching because of the hard floor without a good sleeping bag. Had 3 runthroughs of the dedication service performance which included costume changes. Got a taste of what backstage would be like in Chiang Mai. Felt slightly apprehensive about what I was doing, the dances and all. Felt a little foolish cos I felt too old for this. But I will serve God the best I can. The performance went off quite smoothly. But i think the girls dances need more work. Its difficult cos of the technical movements but I'm sure it'll be a lot more beautiful if they pull it off...

Boot Camp Day 2
Its dinner time and I'm fasting and letting God speak to me. Was supposed to fast for lunch but I forgot about it because we were doing extra practice. Felt quite bad but the guys assured me it was fine if I changed it to dinner. Worship this morning was better. Commandant Joseph was leading and it was quite good.

I was really ministered to at the message and also at the ministry time afterwards. Sani (a full time missionary who doesn't have any income at all, doesn't beg or even ask for money.) spoke on God's compassion and testified what he had to go through at some mission trips. There was this trip where he went to this house which was sort of like a community centre. And he was describing to us how much the place stank. The stench was so great he had to sneak breaths outside the window. And so he was complaining to God how horrible it was and asking God why he was there when God spoke to him, 'Your sin smells worse'.

I think the whole room was hit hard by that line when we realised the totality of what it meant. The stench of sin was so unbearable to God, yet He came down as a man to save us. He laid down His right as God of the universe and became a mere man. What love is greater? Where can you find more compassion? I went up during ministry time and cried out to God. I was confessing to Him. I thought I had given a lot of myself already! But its so small compared to what God did for me. Of course nothing is too small to give. But its wrong when you think that you're good enough and you have the ability to give more yet you're not. And I wept so much when I realised how foolish I'd been. Here I am asking for more and yet I'm still holding back so much from Him. Decided to release my rights to Him as well...

I have found my weak point. My kryptonite, so to speak. Moonfaced girls. There's one here who's cute to the max. But my focus.... is on God. Not in unbelievably sweet looking, cheery, friendly girls! Did I mention she was cute and she looks good in a cheongsam? :p The dances are quite fun now. I've learnt a total of 3 items. I've nailed the sunday school rock item. The other two are quite easy. What I'm worried about is the line dancing item. Have trouble with that. But we'll be working on it tonight. Meaning we'll be sleeping much later.

Its now 1:10 in the morning. Just finished showering after extra dance practice. The line dance really has a lot of steps to remember. The positive comments and encouragements I got from people have been good. I think I 've found a hidden talent in dancing... :)

The Discipleship Training School (DTS) studentsare an inspiration as well as a testimony to God's goodness... I think I might like to join them after Rhema. Thats up to God though. Gotta sleep now. Hafta wake up by 8 am.

::: Word of the Day :::
focus

Boot Camp Day 1
This first day has been fun! Got to meet a lot of new people. It wasn't as tough as I had expected at first... But as tiredness sets in, I foresee certain problems over the next few days. But I thank God that in Psalms 29:11 it says, 'The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. This is the same powerful God which the first part of the Psalm describes about clearly. Praise Him!

I got chosen to be front man for 'Sunday School Rock'. Its this rock and roll item and I'm supposed to be the 'teacher'. Have a few more things to remember than the others and I've got problems with the sequence but I'm sure, with practice, I'll be fine. Whistle just blew for dinner. Will be back to write more about where I'm sleeping and some of the people around.

Ok... Back for the night. Its quite a day for me. My least favourite time was the team session (a.k.a family sessions). Being team leader of a group of more experienced mission trippers isn't the easiest thing in the world. Especially since asking them to share about what they've learnt seems burdensome to them. Probably because they've learnt these things before. Or maybe because they were just tired. But other than that, people have been nice. Here they make it a point to encourage one another. One of the activities involves getting a piece of paper & asking people to write your positive characteristics. Some of the things people said about me was, 'A very easy person to talk to.', 'easy-going & friendly', 'eager to please God'.
Several people also said I'm cool. But I don't feel that cool is a characteristic. Why do I exude that? Is it really a quality?

One of the key rules of this camp is no Boy-Girl Relationships. Commandant Joseph said, 'this is not the place to find your life partner!'
Hahaha! I'm so sure I saw her here... :)

Its 11pm and the lights are out already... Writing this under torchlight. Its been a good day. Worship was especially meaningful although we took quite a while to get there.
Problem? Out of tune guitar & unconfident, monotonous drumming. Keyboards were a little sparse also. But we did get there. Was on my knees. God told me, "I'll be your light and lamp only if you let me"
I want to. I'm learning to. Just that I feel that whenever I fail, I have to start back at zero. When actually, the truth is I can get right back to beside Him on His throne. Hallelujah!
Its time to get some shuteye. Waking up at 7am tomorrow and this floor isn't making it any easier to sleep.

I'm off for the boot camp... Will be back on sunday evening. I'll miss Festival of Praise on Saturday. Unless by some divine intervention, we are allowed to go.

When the situation brings you to tears and you don't know why, you know you've got to leave it to God. Its at times like this that I really miss being with God, spending time with Him and just simply talking to Him. But its like I've put a massive barrier between us. Just my spoilt little self grabbing the steering wheel of the car again. Just my worldly self wanting to take control again. Thank you God for the awareness that I need you. Thank you that you've gotten every escape route covered. Thank you that, like Jonah, you'll never let me run far enough. I've got a feeling that these few days will be one heck of a learning experience. Whether its working with people or with myself, I want to do it right.

I miss you, Jesus...
I don't like the idea of running back to You ONLY when I have to face uncharted territory. Its not right. And yet, I know that its better to run back to you at these times rather than not at all. Help me stick with You. Cos I know thats what really will make things tick.

::: Verse of the Day :::
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
Trust in the LORD forever, for in Yah, the LORD, is everlasting strength.
|Isaiah 26:3-4 (NKJV)|

Too many mind...
I woke up this afternoon with a decision to snap out of this 'mode'. I haven't been in the right frame of mind for about a week already. Too many distractions. Focused on the wrong things and made the wrong decisions. There's something about knowing its wrong... and still choosing to do it. You start to feel sick, stupid and idiotic.

Why God bothers to forgive us time and again is beyond me. But I'm glad He does. Gonna run a few errands today after lunch. Then I'm gonna come home and pack for the boot camp. It feels a whole lot better to be in the right frame of mind and to be in the right standing with God.

I realised I haven't blogged about the megapraise on saturday. It felt good to worship God again. But I must say that God was in our midst, despite the mad antics and 'zhao sias' now and then. My opinion was that the leaders could have been more spontaneous and outgoing in their worship. It was good all the same. God's presence was really strong. So strong that I was bent over in one of the songs. More, more, more of the same please...

Dear Lord, I'm looking forward to the boot camp tomorrow. God, help me to focus on the right things. Help me walk straight as I give myself to you. Use me mightily... Grant me favour with the people there, Lord.
Thank you that I have all I need to do your work and to serve you. Thank you for the strength, the joy, the patience and the obedience to be effective in this area. May all glory be given to you. Amen

The pointless-ness of life is again quashed by things done for others.
I woke up this morning relatively miserable so i decided to leave the house. Didn't want to be cooped up today. So I went for meepok with Matt and Ziig. Took an MRT down to serangoon cos I needed to hand in the photocopy of my passport. Didn't want Sylvia to bust an artery cos she was hounding me so much.

Tried to call Nurul and meet up with her to get my bible back but she's not answering or replying my smses. I was so near Sengkang MRT at that time. Sigh... Anyway, made my way to Plaza Singapura after that. Looked around in Trumpet Praise and Yamaha Music, my two favourite shops in Plaza Singapura... Treated myself to a high quality drumstick bag... Cheered me up somewhat. :p

Wanted to meet up with Lynette today. I dunno why I wanted to but I'm glad I did. Went down to city hall when she was still having bible study with Elissa. After that I acoompanied Lynette to KK Hospital to visit her ex-colleague and her 4 year old son. He was down with high fever and a bad cough. My heart went out to the poor boy. When I had the chance, I went beside the boy, laid my hand on his head and prayed for him. And when I was doing that, I started tearing because my heart went out to him. It was as if I could feel his unspoken pain. I've learnt something else about myself today.

Another clear example of the power of words.
You build people up with what you say. Especially when they are young. Take responsibility.

::: Quote of the Day :::
no one to attract now lah.